Yesterday marked the halfway point of my pregnancy; twenty weeks down, twenty more to go! I never thought I would get to celebrate this halfway marker. I had been warned years ago that I may never be able to get pregnant from a few minor health issues and family medical history. Yet here I sit, feeling my son squirm every few minutes.
Knowing that by the beginning of summer I would no longer be responsible for just myself forced to truly consider how I lived, what I actually enjoyed, what my values were. How could I still be the person I want to be and be the mom I hoped to be? Those deep thoughts stuck with me throughout my classes, planning our honeymoon, and finally, in our hotel room. I couldn't deny it anymore. Nestled in a safe place, with only my husband to hear what was about to be said, I finally admitted the troubles that had been weighing on me; I didn't want to be a lawyer.
I took the rest of my winter break to really reflect on my last year and half. What should have been some of my happiest moments (engagement, wedding, and my first pregnancy) were marred by this ugly shadow of what I had once considered my dream. It wasn't my dream anymore, but how could I possibly admit that to myself, let alone everyone around me? I had walked a big talk in undergrad and at reunions with old friends, raved about Kansas City, law school, and my adventures. But the reality was, I was drinking more than I ever had, Josh and I fought over petty things. I had no interest in social interactions. And the real hallmark that something was wrong, I hadn't pick up and a read book for the joy of reading in months. I wasn't happy. And with my child on the way, I knew I had to make the changes.
I threw my hands and heart up to God not too long ago, desperate and afraid of where to go next. And God answered me, calming the storms in my heart. I stepped out of the boat and onto the waves, putting my faith in God's love for me instead of world I could see around me. I swallowed my pride and gave up my identity I had longed for; I am no longer a law student. My identity as a Child of God, one of God's Daughters in Faith has grown each day that I was able to set aside who I thought I should be and embrace who I already was; His.